today was great. someone suggested i pay homage to my dance babies, and after today, it absolutely has to be done. i spent some really ridiculously fun moments with these girls today, and i felt closer to them than i ever have before. i write about friends a lot, and i write about dance a lot and how much i love it and its my life and whatever. but the people i’ve met through dance have changed my life. i haven’t gotten very close to many of the people in d.co this year, but that all completely changed today. and with 9 of those girls specifically today, i truly discovered 9 new best friends for lifeeee.
everyone has those couple of people in life that they will never ever forget. some for terrible reasons, and some because they had such an amazingly positive impact on you. spring break has been great. and for whatever reason, i started thinking about the future. not like jobs and college and marriage and all of the superficial stuff that comes to mind when you hear “future”. but more like what will happen to my relationships with those people over time. in 20 years, ill obviously still remember these people. but will i still be friends with them? will we still be close? i just pray that it won’t become one of those friendships where you almost never talk to each other anymore, but still consider them one of your best friends. i want them to really remain as my best friends. and i’m terrified of the fact that i don’t have full control over that. i hate that i have no idea what’s going to happen in years to come. where i’ll be, where my friends will be, what my life will be like…i have no idea. only time will tell.
sophomore year has really shown me a lot about who my true friends are. and man, i must have been blind freshman year. the one person that i considered my one and only true best best best #1 friend is not the person i thought she was. she barely even talks to me anymore, never hangs out with me or our group of friends when we invite her, and i think most importantly..we don’t really share anything personal with each other anymore. before, she was the first person i told about everything..and i was the same for her. we helped each other through everything, we always seemed to see eye to eye and had the same opinions on everything. i don’t know what happened this year..maybe it’s just an influence from her boyfriend or something, but i feel like i don’t even know her. and yet i still say she’s my best friend whenever someone asks me.
but there are definitely a couple of people that i got extremely close to this year. and i’m so thankful for that. 3, actually..that i can honestly say have helped me get through the worst and picked me up when i was down. in a way, they’ve shaped me. i don’t even know how to be in a bad mood when i’m around them. and those are the ones that i’m afraid of losing. the ones that i want to maintain a friendship with forever and ever and ever. you know who you are. and if you ever happen to see this..i love you. i don’t really tell you guys how grateful i am for you..but you are truly the greatest people that i have ever known, and will stay in my heart until the day i die.
tonight was interesting. fun, but interesting.
i don’t know why, but it seems like whenever i’m with a group of people, there’s always like 1 or 2 people there that make me feel like i can’t be myself. it’s like i think they’re constantly silently judging me, so i get really quiet, and just try to go unnoticed. and i hate when people think that they’re closer with someone than you are. like my friend mary, i love her to death, but she always talks about how she’s known this one guy since 1st grade and what present he gave her on her 6th birthday and all the great times they’ve had. which i normally wouldn’t really care, but the thing is, she always brings it up whenever someone else mentions him. like if i try to tell her a story that involved him, it’s like she has to 1 up me every time. so she immediately launches into like 4 more stories about what great friends they are. it’s not even like she or ANYONE likes him as anything more than a friend, so it’s not like we’re a bunch of caddy girls fighting for his love..so i don’t get why she always feels the need to make stupid comments about it.
like tonight, 5 of us were just sitting on the playground at the elementary school, and he was walking around looking for something. so when he came to sit with us, he sat next to me. nothing else involved, just happened to sit next to me. so right when he sat down and said something to me, she looks at him and goes “hey can you go get my phone for me?” and of course, he did. and when he started to walk back, she literally positioned herself so he wouldn’t be able to get anywhere near me. uh..seriously? it’s not like i like him..or he likes me..or we’ve ever had anything between us….so why the hell are you doing this?
sometimes, i honestly think that she gets sort of protective of him whenever she realizes that there’s other girls that he hangs out with just as much as he does with her. and he is totally not the type of guy that wants to do anything with any girl. he’s never even had a girlfriend, and i’ve never even heard him ever say a single word about a girl. for all i know, he could be gay. but it’s like mary thinks of him as her fall back..like she uses him to make her feel like she has a guy in her life. she’s never dated anyone either, and she doesn’t really get any attention from guys. which is not a bad thing at all, but i think that’s why she needs to remind herself that if no other guy comes along, she still has her boy that she’s been bffs with since 1st grade that isn’t allowed to talk to any other girls. idk..i just hate feeling like i have to compete with her just to talk to my friend.
and this year for homecoming, there was a bunch of stuff being said about me going with him. and honestly, it was all just stupid and i’m pretty sure i started it myself..but whatever. it was literally nothing. but when she found out about it all…i remember her face just dropped and she went “what! i was gonna go with him!” he doesn’t even go to homecoming..or any other dances or any sort of school event. ever. even IIII knew that. but she got so upset about it. i feel like next year if he asks anyone to go to prom with him and it’s not her…she’ll probably cry or something. or kill the girl in her sleep. i don’t think she has feelings for him, i really just think that she wants him to be there when no one else comes. it just sucks that she’s always gonna try to like..prevent me from ever getting any closer to him than i already am.
